Understanding Hearts

It has been so good for me to have found a couple of places online I can go to hear other mom's stories and to have questions answered. I have learned so much from these women and felt so much love and support from them. I found this poem written by another cranio mom. She does a great job at explaining so many of the emotions involved. I have been blessed that my faith in a loving God has never waivered, but I sure have found myself reaching more deeply than before to find and hold onto His love.

Confessions of a Cranio Mom

by BabyGabey

I Cry.
It might not seem like I do because most of the time I wait until everyone is asleep. Then I use the darkness of the night to hide my tears. Like a baby I cry myself to sleep and I silently wish the tears will wash all of this fear away.

I Obsess.
I research and I read and I blog until my eyes bleed. My poor eyes. I can't learn enough... can't know enough. I keep on searching for a different/better answer when I know I have already found it.

I Hate.
I'm not a jealous person but why is this happening to my precious baby and not yours. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and I hate the fact that you are so happy and I am so unbelievably scared.

I Doubt.
I doubt my decisions, I doubt my surgeons, I doubt my motives, I doubt my faith. It's amazing how someone who once was so strong can crumble into a million pieces so quickly.

I Wait.
For answers... for appointments.... for surgery..... for acceptance... to finally shout from the rooftops "we're on the other side".

I Stare.
At your head, at their head..... At the waiting room wall..... At the Ct scan... at the surgeon when he says "craniosynostosis".

I Deny.
I make yet another appointment in hopes that someone will reverse the original diagnosis. This can't be happening.

I Worry.
About everything. Developmental delays.. ICP... what other people will say.... your vision...Your blood count... Anesthesia... Second Surgeries... will it ever stop?

I Pray.
For guidance, for peace, for my life to return to normal. For a successful surgery for you and a successful surgery for all.

I Cry Again.
I never knew that happiness could bring so many tears. You smile at me behind all of your bandages and wires and I melt into the floor.

I Grow.
Not only as a mom but as a person. Your journey and strength changed my life for the better.

I Overcome.
The fear, the anxiety, the tears, the hate, the doubt, the worry.

I Love.
My baby. My cranio family. Your successful journey and the beautiful life it's become.